Spectronomy Episode 52 - Rented House Attic

ZEKE:

And they never did any jail time for it!

FELIX:

[utter shock] That’s insane!

ZEKE:

Yeah, never caught them!

FELIX:

I don’t believe you, not for a fuckin’ second; they did all that in plain view of a cop car, and they booked it out fast enough to not get caught – with their pants down, no less!?

ZEKE:

I mean the cop car only arrived after they came, and I’m pretty sure they had to ditch the mace on their way out.

FELIX:

That fuckin’ sucks!

ZEKE:

Yeah, but I mean, you gotta drop some weight when you got balls that huge in the first place, right? And, I mean, all the plate armor...

FELIX:

I kinda wish we didn’t air this out on the podcast, though; I was gonna close out on that last attic trip we got up to a couple days ago. On one hand, I can just cut out that whole story if I really want to, but like... The people gotta KNOW, right!?

ZEKE:

The people gotta know!

FELIX:

Yeah, I kinda wish this story was any MORE on-topic, though. We never did find a ghost up there, after all.

ZEKE:

No no no, I have pictures from that night; one way or another, there was SOMETHING supernatural going on up there!

FELIX:

I mean, obviously-- but we’re kinda getting ahead of ourselves here! Let’s wind down the episode with what we got up to on our last hunt.

ZEKE:

Right, right.

FELIX:

So, folks, we recently got word of a house getting some pretty spooky sounds going on in the attic – all sorts of rattling and light skittering, making it real hard for the current renters to sleep at night.

ZEKE:

And – before being reporters and hunters of all things paranormal – we are bastions of the working class, so of course, when we heard how it was fucking with the health and well-being of our comrades, we had to act.

FELIX:

[chuckles] I mean I could’ve slept through it, but I guess I’m just built different.

ZEKE:

I mean, you literally are: you have so much trouble sleeping if there’s NO noise in the background. This guy has to have a fan droning ALL YEAR ROUND.

FELIX:

I turn it off in the winter!

ZEKE:

[sarcastically] Mhm, yup, and all the times I’ve come over in the winter with your apartment abnormally cold, and that same circular bitch blowing in the corner? Complete coincidences. It turns itself on, even.

FELIX:

My place is not haunted, it just has shitty insulation. Like every other apartment in the city, really...

ZEKE:

You wish it was haunted...

FELIX:

[exasperated] I DO! But it’s super unrealistic, because my apartment complex was only made about 20 or 30 years ago, and somehow, nobody’s died in there yet.

ZEKE:

I wanna do the usual cynic routine with that, but you’re kinda right: it’s insane no one’s died in there. Might be a cover-up.

FELIX:

Maybe-- but we’re getting way off-topic. Point being, when we heard about the issue, we knew we had the expertise to help out!

ZEKE:

We did kind of assume it was supernatural though, huh?

FELIX:

I still came with mouse traps, in case it wasn’t.

ZEKE:

But no cheese.

FELIX:

[audible sigh] But no cheese.

ZEKE:

[mock disappointment] No cheese.

FELIX:

[beat] You’re stalling.

ZEKE:

[another beat] I don’t know what you’re talking about--

FELIX:

[cutting ZEKE off] So the folks living in the place noted the sounds had been there since the day they moved in, but they hadn’t noticed it on any of their tours of the place prior. It occurred to them – as they heard the noises more and more – that they had never been shown any attic or crawlspace!

ZEKE:

Classic blunder, honestly; you always have to check the dark, tight spaces.

FELIX:

When we arrived on-scene, we took our own little tour, even as we could hear the sounds up above. The way it hit the wood, it didn’t sound like whatever could be up there was particularly big, or at least not too heavy.

ZEKE:

The first article of note we found on our tour: one or more of the current residents had a fun collection we stumbled on!

FELIX:

[excited] Oh yeah, that was fucked, when we walked in that room! They had a huge collection of like, those Victorian-styled dolls just sitting on a big display, all their faces pointed right at the door!

ZEKE:

And if ever there was more proof of what a freak you are: Felix jumped when he saw that out of shock at first, but then he just gets giddy as hell, because he thinks we’re running into a possessed doll.

FELIX:

Do you know how few of those we run into!? We never run into houses with possessed dolls because nobody collects those kinds of dolls these days!

ZEKE:

Nobody in the city, anyway.

FELIX:

Nobody but whoever was renting this house! So we were totally ready for some kind of poltergeist action – and I mean ready!

ZEKE:

[closer to the mic] He means he was hard.

FELIX:

NOT – [beat] – right away.

ZEKE:

[chuckling] It’s kind of funny to think of how you were getting turned on by running into a cursed doll – like those super-feminine Victorian dresses--

FELIX:

[cutting ZEKE off] You’re stalling again.

ZEKE:

Still have no idea what you’re talking about.

FELIX:

You know exactly what I’m talking about – and I’m gonna make sure the audience knows too!

ZEKE:

We don’t have to cover that--

FELIX:

[cutting ZEKE off again] So now let’s talk about the attic! As we got closer to the top floors of the place, naturally the sounds got louder, right? But they were also becoming more distinct, and gave us a bit of doubt! Like, when you get closer – muffled as it was – the sounds didn’t really come across as like, porcelain running along wood or tile or anything.

ZEKE:

Do you know what porcelain on wood sounds like?

FELIX:

You can make a pretty good guess, based on materials. Like, you can hear the weird “brittle” sound of it when it makes contact, right? And the subtle hollowness, so it’s like when a fancy plate dings against something without breaking.

ZEKE:

Or a cup.

FELIX:

Yeah, yeah! And it didn’t sound anything like that!

ZEKE:

I’m pretty sure I mentioned it sounded too big, too. Too heavy, right?

FELIX:

But like, only a BIT too heavy, was the weird part.

ZEKE:

We had that little back-and-forth: I said something like “I’m not going up there if it’s a giant spider.”

FELIX:

And I was like, “maybe it’s a giant porcelain spider doll?”

ZEKE:

Yes, and you were insane for saying that.

FELIX:

Would’ve been really funny, though.

ZEKE:

Who would make something like that, though!?

FELIX:

[ignores ZEKE, recognizing the diversion immediately] So going up the staircase to the attic, I can’t really get a clear look of anything right away. No light switch, and my flashlight isn’t up there yet. But whatever was up there could hear me, because the moment I lift up that door, the skittering shifts and stops. It was waiting for me.

ZEKE:

Fucked up way to put that. Genuinely kinda hate that.

FELIX:

I think you hated even more that I started up there without my flashlight--

ZEKE:

Yes, because that’s fucking insane! You couldn’t see a damn thing in there, why didn’t you get your flashlight from me first!?

FELIX:

I mean, if I scared the thing off with a bright-ass light, we probably weren’t going to be able to catch it and get it out of there--

ZEKE:

Absolutely fucking irrelevant, because we don’t catch anything half the time!

FELIX:

We catch mice.

ZEKE:

[beat] We catch mice.

FELIX:

[another beat] I want you to name one ghost hunter that also exorcises or shoos out the ghosts they find proof of-- on the next episode or something; folks at home, you have to remind me to talk about this in a future episode!

ZEKE:

We can talk about it now--

FELIX:

[cuts ZEKE off, seeing right though him] No we cannot! I will concede that going up there without a flashlight was not the best idea, especially when I felt something bowl me over the moment my feet were on the ground.

ZEKE:

Yeah, see!?

FELIX:

I tried to get back on my feet, but I couldn’t move my hand – something had pinned it to the floor. Then I could hear a sort of squishing sound before something shoved into my chest, and then my leg, and my foot...

ZEKE:

And each one got you more stuck than the last...

FELIX:

Yeah so... By like the second shot, I was pretty sure what was hitting me was some big balls of silky, sticky, web kinda fluid – the texture was a bit gross and slimy more than anything.

ZEKE:

And the skittering we were hearing was...

FELIX:

A giant spider.

ZEKE:

Yeah, it seemed to stop after that first volley, so I thought it’d be safe to go up with the flashlight then. It was mostly just threatened, since it wasn’t barrelling after him at that point.

FELIX:

Uh-huh. Pretty sure you got a picture of it--

ZEKE:

[cuts FELIX off] That pic is for me, and me alone.

FELIX:

Wait, what? Are you like, getting off to that pic or something?

ZEKE:

What can I say: seeing you in compromising positions does something for me~!

FELIX:

I do think it’s funny you’d keep that pic to yourself, after what happened next.

ZEKE:

[subtle desperation in ZEKE’s voice] Look, we covered the important part of the story--

FELIX:

[cutting off ZEKE once more] So after that, I called up Zeke to help me out of those webs, because whatever’s shooting webs that big probably also had a big appetite, and that’s not a part I wanted to stick around for!

ZEKE:

And I got off all the web, and we left!!

FELIX:

No we didn’t, not right away!

ZEKE:

Felix, come on...!

FELIX:

Because guess who got caught up in more web than I did!?

ZEKE:

You asshole!

FELIX:

Spider didn’t even shoot any web at him! He tripped into a huge cobbled-up web in the corner, and almost immediately got trapped in it!

ZEKE:

God-- [ending jingle for Spectronomy starts to play in the background] And that’s all the time we have for tonight, folks! We’ll have to catch you on the next episode--

FELIX:

And he got fully wrapped up in it, too! You got a photo of me webbed up, I’ve got one of you! And I’m not keeping this one to myself--

ZEKE:

You’re not fucking posting that! I’m editing this episode, you bitch!

FELIX:

You can’t stop me, this is MY SHOW--